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Top 7 Most Rancid Pearson’s Vending Machine Snacks

Picture this: It’s been a long day. Commons has disappointed you yet again with that god-forsaken Basmati rice, the panini press that is one panini away from exploding and lighting Commons on fire, and soup that for some reason always tastes like straight-up salt. You’re feeling unsatisfied and need a snack to tide you over. You hit your friends with the classic, “Does anyone want to walk to Pearsons?” After the strenuous walk down frat row and through M.I, you see the beacon of hope, Pearsons. You find yourself filled with false hope. You think, “Maybe they added something new,” or “Maybe it won’t be picked over today and they’ll have more than just sugar-free Monster and Advil.” Surprise surprise you are faced with disappointment. A rancid assortment of items makes you think, “Who would ever spend their flex dollars to consume such haggard snacks?” The answer is you. You would. In times of desperation, you will go to lengths that you won’t always be proud of. We’ve all had a questionable late-night Pearsons snack, that makes us wonder if we are on a downward spiral. Now the question is, what is the worst snack one can get from Pearsons? I’m here to answer that question.

Here is a list of the top seven most disturbing, rancid, and questionable Pearsons vending machine snacks.

  1. Any variation of Mountain Dew (self explanatory)
  1. Egg salad sandwich: While all the vending machine sandwiches are arguably somewhat gross, some are still acceptable. Egg salad is where I put my foot down. Are you kidding me? You’re basically eating vending machine eggs. Get a grip.
  1. Cotton Candy Bang energy drink: Sweet lord. I think it is important to note I personally haven’t tried it, so I can’t truly have an opinion. With that being said, there is a reason I haven’t. Energy drinks already pretty much have the flavor of rocket fuel, but slap some cotton candy on it and it wouldn’t be too bold to assume that drinking one of those would shorten your life expectancy.
  1. Monster “Java” Drinks: Why? First off this is a marketing nightmare. Maybe the coffee doesn’t actually taste bad but my mind creates a flavor that is a mix of espresso and a sweet energy drink. This reminds me of when Colgate, the toothpaste brand, released a line of frozen meals. Horrific. Plain and simple.
  1. Dasani water: Any water enjoyer knows Dasani is bottom of the barrel chemical creek water. It’s what you drink when you’re desperate. I would drink water from the Rock River before I would even think about touching that poisonous liquid.
  1. “Big Texas” cinnamon roll: The moisture. The thick condensation that glazes the packaging is enough to turn me away for good. Think of middle school cafeteria cinnamon rolls on breakfast day. Gross. Damp. Something is just slightly off. There is something about pre packaged pastries that is off putting. Maybe this icky feeling comes from the fact that someone kept a twinkie for 43 years and it didn’t degrade. I can’t help but think that the same preservation would apply to all other pre packaged pastries. It just feels wrong.
  1. Any type of salad: Nothing like refrigerator lettuce with a little bit of brown on it. Come on now, we all know how this works. When you eat a salad you want it to be fresh or else it gets weird and soggy. Outside of however it might taste, putting a salad in the vending machine is foul.

In conclusion if you eat/drink any of these I’m praying for your safe recovery <3

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