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If ‘Squid Game’ Took Place at Beloit

Face it: tuition and student loans haunt you. As college students, the inevitable debt that awaits us after graduation is horrifying. Wouldn’t it be a dream if this debt could be paid in its entirety through prize money? By now, tons of Beloiters have seen the Netflix original drama, “Squid Game,” where 456 Korean citizens play children’s games in order to win the coveted prize money (45.6 billion Korean Won). The caveat to this competition, though, is that when a player loses a game, they are fatally eliminated. 

You’ve probably wondered if you would survive the games. You may have even thought about what an Americanized version of the series’ games would entail. Furthermore, what would a Beloit College Squid Game look like? First off, the faculty would undoubtedly serve as the soldiers; this makes Cecil Youngblood the Front Man and Scott Bierman one of the game’s creators.

If the games are to be limited to 456 players, then the freshman class should provide. Perhaps a few sophomores, juniors, and seniors would dare to participate. Players’ uniforms would be navy blue, with soldiers being dressed, of course, in yellow. But what about the games themselves? 

Round 1: Cutting In Line At Commons

The first game in Squid Game is Red Light, Green Light. Our variant of this would be a game in which the goal is to successfully cut in line at Commons. With the closure of DKs and Java Joint, lines at Commons have gotten insanely long. Hangry and impatient students cut in line, ever so discreetly, though not discreetly enough for the robotic Tara Girard doll that will survey the game. In this game, cutting in line is permissible. However, when Robot Tara spins her head towards the players, everyone must freeze in place. If a player does not freeze when Robot Tara scans them, they will be eliminated. Players will be given ten minutes to make it to the front of the line and get their meal without being caught. 

Round 2: Select the Thoroughly Cooked Chicken From Commons

The Dalgona cookie (AKA honeycomb sugar cookie) from Squid Game is a traditional Korean treat with a shape in the middle made from caramelized sugar and a pinch of baking soda. In the game, players have ten minutes to perfectly break the shape out of the cookie before they are eliminated. An iconic yet dangerous food at Beloit College is Commons chicken. The Beloit version of game two would consist of different plates of chicken. Players would have to choose one piece as their dinner that night. However, half of the chicken served… is raw. Those players who don’t choose wisely will ultimately be eliminated by food poisoning. 

Round 3: Ultimate Frisbee

The third game in the show is Tug of War. This is thought to be a game based off of strength, however, skill also plays a part in this game as we learn from player 001. Two teams composed of students must compete to see which team comes out on top; Turtles vs. Bucs. Choose your team and strategies wisely, because the losing teams will be eliminated. 

Round 4: Cards Against Humanity

In lieu of Squid Game’s anxiety-inducing marble game, Beloiters will play a game of Cards Against Humanity. As in the series, players will select who they want to play with. They will gather in groups of three, and are then pitted against each other. While Cards Against Humanity tends to be simpler when played with a group of friends whose humor you understand, this deadly game is best played with strangers. After 30 minutes, the players with the most cards will be victorious. The winner in each group of three will move on, all other players will be eliminated. A dark end to the iconic game of dark humor.

Round 5: Don’t Step On the Mounds

The second to last game in the series is the glass bridge, where half of the tiles are made from tempered glass and half are not. Whichever one you chose, determines whether you fall to your death or live to try another step. At Beloit’s “Squid Game” tournament, it is fatal to step on the mounds. We respectfully acknowledge the Potawatomi, Peoria, Miami, Meskwaki, and Ho-Chunk people who have stewarded this land before us. Students who fail to avoid the mounds by using the clearly paved sidewalks are eliminated. 

Round 6: The Bell Run

The squid game is native to Korea, just as the bell run is native to Beloit College. In the final round, the surviving two players will face off in a timed bell run. In typical bell run fashion, players will strip, covered only by their painted player numbers across their abdomens. From The Wall, the final two players will need to make a mad dash to the bell at Morse-Ingersoll Hall and back. Whoever returns first will be crowned the winner, and will have their tuition and student loans covered. Hooray for a debt-free future!

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