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Satire: Oppression of white males at Beloit has gone too far


Jesse Wiles/The Round Table

Trump’s presidential win is bound to inspire exciting national change. Americans across the country celebrated, believing finally that this country can truly be great again. With the dawn of a Trump presidency, perhaps we can finally get back to what’s truly American: white power.

Heartbreakingly, an enormous amount of young and, ugh, diverse, Americans have taken to the street and protested President-elect Trump’s incredible, hard-won victory. Some have the nerve and disrespect to say that he’s not their president. This treasonous motto has cropped up all over the nation, making many white Americans feel unsafe.

“I just wanted to wear my Trump hat around campus,” A local student, who wished to remain anonymous for his own safety, reported. “People kept giving me dirty looks like I was some kind of villain! One person called me a racist! I couldn’t believe it. All Trump wants to do is deport all the criminal Mexican immigrants, register Muslims, for everyone’s safety, and finally put down those hateful Black Lives Matter people. How does that make him racist?”

Tragically, this kind of story has repeated itself all over the country, with many white male students feeling afraid to express their opinions. Another white man, who also preferred to remain anonymous, once again for his own safety, shared his story. “I was just trying to express my free speech and tell a group of black kids to go back to Africa,” He wiped the tears from his eyes, struggling to continue. “But they all yelled at me to ‘stop,’ and said things like, ‘you’re scaring us,’ and ‘please put the gun down.’” The man put his head in his hands and sobbed. “Don’t they know that that’s just my culture? Can’t they let me be proud?”

Indeed the response to Trump’s victory is unsettlingly aggressive, a hateful and ungrateful lash against the white supremacy that has always made this country great and has so long been forgotten. White Americans are simply trying to reclaim their culture.

“We just want absolute control, is that so much to ask?” Another anonymous white man said. “If the media isn’t exclusively representing me at all times, if I’m not being prioritized and valued more than anyone or anything else at any given moment, I’m being oppressed. Simple as that.”

“I just want to be comfortable in my own, better skin,” An anonymous white man shook his head and sighed reverently. “If one day, I can walk down the street and make brown people get off the sidewalk as I pass, then I’ll finally feel safe in this country.”

There is good news for white men buried amongst this turmoil. Confederate flags are finally flying high again, and many are finally getting some air on those long-hidden swastika tattoos. Gay people are hiding who they are again, thank God, and women are at last turning away from poisonous feminism and accepting their subordinate, confined, and Christian purpose: to be property.

“My son came home from first grade and told me he pushed a girl into a locker, called the gay kid names until he cried, and told the all the black and Hispanic kids in his class to ‘watch out.’” The anonymous white father shook his head. “I’ve never been more proud. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I wanted to seig heil right then and there. I felt that at peace with my heritage.”

It’s a beautiful dream, but it hasn’t yet been achieved. Millions of white Americans thought that they had defended their traditional and correct cultural values from the evils of the Gays, the Ethnics, the Feminazis, and the Scientists, by keeping Hillary Clinton, verifiably the most evil and morally corrupt human being ever to attempt ascent to power, out of the White House, but there’s still more work to be done. Brown people, gays, and traitor whites continue to openly criticize Trump. In order to fully ensure white culture is protected in this country, these people are going to have to be silenced.

“It’s infringing on my right to free speech,” A white man who shall remain unnamed exclaimed with frustration when asked about the supposed ‘free press’ publishing ‘opposing viewpoints.’ “Don’t they know that my opinion is the only one that matters?”

“I’d like to go out and shoot every single one of those dangerous protestors.” The same anonymous white male remarked, stroking the barrel of his entirely legal machine gun. “Kill them all! That’ll teach them to stop fear-mongering.”

An anonymous source from Trump’s inner circle told us that the President-elect is working hard on a solution to these problems. “A final one.” He added, smiling.

“I have hope. For the first time in eight years I have hope.” A white man on the street remarked, eyes gleaning. “We have a real chance here to finally be white and proud and seize back what’s ours. Until then, I’ll just have to hide who I am.” He lifted his white hood up and over his face. “For my own safety.”

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